This week’s reports from the city’s reality
Between visits to the doctor, a recent CT scan and all the uncertainty that has kicked up in the midst of it, my life has been just a little anxious lately. I’ve been doing anything and everything to keep my mind off of the upcoming visit I have where I will (hopefully) get the final verdict on what is ailing me. My doctor assures me it’s nothing catastrophic, and I believe him, but like so many people in my position, my fear is not oriented so much around the prognosis as the bill that will inevitably follow it. I’m lucky enough to have health insurance, but it isn’t as comprehensive as I would like. Living in a major city like New York is expensive enough as it is, and my ultimate fear rests in whether or not I’ll need surgery. Rest assured I am doing okay, but come Thursday I’ll know just how much or how little reason I have to dread the next step, whatever that may be. For now, I’m following the Hulk Hogan regimen of saying my prayers and taking my vitamins. If nothing else, I know I’ll at least have plenty of fodder for whatever big writing project springs from my skull Athena-style. Here’s hoping I’m still around to make it happen.
This week has been one of exceptional ups and downs. Scrabbling for rent and kicking back in my off time have been equally adventurous, and I like it this way. I like that I haven’t said “no” all week to anything, good or bad. Of course, it can’t stay good. I’m teetering on the knife’s edge between fucking around and fucking up. Hopefully I will fall back toward a profitable, professional point. I’ve never been impressed by people who fall the other way, and I’d hate to find out so early I’m included in that group. Goal for next week: set specific goals.
We’ve been doing “Realcity Check” for 21 consecutive weeks and Swoboda thought it’d been bi-weekly the entire time. I learned this last night as I stood in front of his stoop, about to head home. Jeff may not have realized how much time had actually passed, but I’ve been feeling every second. On the nights that I’m free, I pack in as much as possible before I lose the chance. Yet for all of our city’s possibilities, I never make it out of the house. Instead, I occupy myself with site work, reading, watching TV and playing computer games. Our success is on my mind more than anything else to the point that it’s completely dominated my experience in the city as well as my apartment. Getting out for a bike ride to Jeff’s house showed me, though, that not everyone has this problem. Especially in the summertime, our adjoining neighborhoods are full of people lazing on their stoops, floating around on bikes and bullshitting on street corners. I enjoyed that attitude last night at Jeff’s house, but it also made me realize that I can’t do it forever. We hide from our goals for fear of wasting our time if they don’t work out, but we waste even more time putting them off. Life here moves fast and if I really want to make a go of it, I’ll need to start keeping up.